As some or you, or perhaps no one, has noticed I haven't been around much lately. I pondered long and hard about whether to even mention my absence or to go into the details about why I haven't been here and I've decided to mention it but not in a terribly detailed fashion.
You know those days where it seems nothing goes right and the world seems as though it is against you and decides to not only make your life hell but to stomp all over your dreams at the same time. I've just had about a month of that. A few days or even a week's worth I probably could have coped with but when it all comes at once it is just rather difficult to keep your head above the water never mind slapping a smile on it when the waves try pulling you under.
When I was 18/19 I was diagnosed with clinical depression, and anti-depressants and counseling were prescribed as a way to drag me out of it. I think that once that has happened to you you become more adept at recognising the signs that a bad patch is coming and one of the things my counselor taught me were coping strategies to try and deal with it before I reached the point of a bottle vodka under the duvet which had been my go to cure all for a bad dose of the blues. However, sometimes all the coping strategies in the world can't help you. Especially when one of them is to distance yourself from
all things that could cause a melt down. Sometimes the world at large doesn't seem to be aware that you've taken all you can take and continues to give you crap that you slowly drown underneath.
The last few weeks have been the closest I have felt to going back to that terrible place since my Father died six years ago. Had the weeks of horror occurred in any other month it probably wouldn't have been a problem but November is the month that he died and whilst over the years the date has got easier to bear, this year what with everything else that was going on it was too much to cope with. The week leading up to the 7th is one I dread and it takes all my coping strategies and every ounce
of self control I have to get to that day and get through it without sitting in a corner and rocking backward and forward whilst sucking my thumb. I simply don't have the strength or the energy at that time of year to deal with anything else.
Depression is a horrible, horrible thing. I don't pretend to corner the market on suffering and I know that what I went through was mild in comparison to what some people struggle with and I was fortunate to have a place to go and heal and put myself back together without having to hold a life together at the same time. I remember the first time I read Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, the part where the Dementors are described literally made me have to put the book down and go away, it is the closest description I have ever found to what being depressed was like for me. The inability to find the joy in anything is not the sort of person I am, I've always been someone who loves the small things in life and when that leaves me I feel bereft and so alone that nothing and no one can make a difference.
But now, now I feel as though I am coming out of it. I've let go of some of the stuff that was upsetting me and decided to move on and accept that there are things you can't change. The things I can change well, I'm working on those. As for my dreams. I think they're intact, a little tarnished but I am buffing them up and beginning to believe in them again.
I always said that my blog would be a place where I would only write my happy thoughts because who really wants to read or keep a record of the low spots in their life. However, writing for me has always been cathartic and being a grown-up really leaves very little time for sitting down and scribbling it out so instead I've put it here. So if this post seems disjointed and peculiar I apologise but sometimes things are better out than in regardless of their format.
Normal service shall now hopefully resume! I've missed you!
I don’t always comment (sorry!) but we’ve missed you too. Sorry these last few weeks have been hard for you, hope you are starting to feel much better x
Well done Gemma for recognising the signs and coming through the other end I hope that Decemember will bring happier times for you.
Lovely post. I know you’ve had some rough times lately and sometimes, putting it out there in a way that faces it head on is incredibly helpful. I can say that from experience. Hugs and keep on being honest and you. xo
So sorry to read this, I was wondering if you were ok. I think anyone who has been through this kind of thing knows the signs and is able to take action, not always in time but it still helps.
Take care of yourself.
That was very touching. I am so sorry that you have to deal with depression. It really sucks and it’s such a hard battle sometimes, isn’t it? I had a really bad downward swing too the last few months. No amount of Lexapro was going to bring me out of that “death spiral” as Steve called it. Sometimes it’s frustrating to have to struggle so hard to feel normal. I think you are so brave to post this on your blog. You have bared your soul and I’m struggling to find the words to thank you for writing this. Wishing you the best!
Ally
My heart goes out to you. Well done for recognizing the signs… every now and then I’ll let things go too far because I refuse to believe that I’m in trouble. Take care of yourself.
I’m so sorry that you’ve been having a rough time. I definitely have issues with depression myself, and I know exactly what you mean about the dementors. I have been missing your posts and I hope that you’ll keep writing even if you are not always writing about cheery things!
Very brave of you to be so honest with us Gemma. Hope you are getting over the worst of it now and that you feel more yourself again. Hang in there honey, we are all here for you however you need our support.
Hugs
April xx
Dear Gemma, please accept this bearhug from a distance ((((<3)))) I'm so sorry to hear you have bee going through a rough patch – I know about the dementor-thing too. We try to be so brave and grin and bear it, but telling it like it really is is so much braver! Hang in there, and things do get better! Don't feel that you only have to write about cheery matters – it's your blog and it should feel right for you, whichever mood you're in, and sometimes writing things down really help in sorting them out in your mind. ((((<3))))
I’m sorry you’ve been having a bad time of it – as others have said already, sharing the load publicly can be very cathartic. Best wishes for the goal achievement and change making – I know how hard, but rewarding, that can be.
Gemma – I’ve missed you so much my dear. Your happy posts, and your comments and our fun e-mails! I’m so sorry that you’ve been going through a rough time, but I am happy that you feel like you’re heading towards brighter days. If you need to chit-chat – you’ve got my e-mail girl. Much love to you!!! -GeekyNerdy
Hi Gemma, found your blog via your podcast, and just read this update. I struggle with some of the same issues, and have just gotten through a really, really bad couple of years where I felt like a forgotton wad of gum on God’s shoe. I totally get what you are saying about the Dementors! And I, too, try to remain positive on my blog, so sometimes it feels like I’m “hiding” my troubles…
Keeping a journal is helpful for me (a good excuse to buy yourself a special fountain pen!) but sometimes it is also good to share with a friend. Please feel free to contact me privately if you’d like to vent a bit, or if you’d feel better hearing about what I’ve been going through (and how I made it through). If I can be of any help, I’d like to.
TAKE CARE and KEEP BREATHING! HUGS!
You did well to share that with us. It can’t have been easy. I had a close relative who suffered with depression for many years so I have some understanding (second-hand, admittedly) of where you’ve been. As you’ve pointed out, you still have your dreams. That’s good. That’s very good.
Lovely post. I think a blog is a good place to share the downs as well as the ups because more than anything you’ll have a record that you can get through to the other side.
here’s to December!
Missed you, so glad you are back. I know writing down how things are and feel does help tremendously. xx
Hope putting it ‘out there’ helped. I know it does for me. Thinking of you. Hugs.
Haven’t commented before but just wanted to send you best wishes – I’m so glad you’re starting to feel better.
It must be very disconcerting to someone who “takes pleasure in the small things” in life to suddenly not even enjoy the big things. I’m glad you aren’t going through this alone and are coming out of it. I work in community mental health. Being able to talk about what’s going on is so important. If it helps, write it. (like you need my permission!) And do whatever it takes to be good to yourself.
I’m so glad you’re at the stage where you’re pulling yourself out………………. you’ve reached the light at the end of the tunnel now you’ve got to this point, so well done, and keep on going……………….. you’re doing really, really well Gemma…………………..
Glad you are back. I hope you are feeling better and better and December is a beautiful month for your. Sending you good wishes and a hug!
I know exactly what you mean about the dementors, yes, I have also been there, and it s not easy to pul back out. I am so glad you are back xxx
I noticed your absence Gemma, but then I’ve been absent too for different reasons. This is such an honest post, well done you for writing it. I think as our blogs develop we do get to “know” each other a little better so it’s only natural to share the ups and downs of life, just as you would in the real world with those around you. We can’t be happy happy day in day out, life ain’t like that. Good to hear you’re coming through, take care of yourself.
You’re so strong for writing the way you do. Thanks for sharing that & I’m happy you’re back. Hugs.
xo,
Linnea
Gemma,
I hardly ever comment on here but I check your blog on a fairly regular basis because I love reading what you have to say and seeing pictures of snippets from your life. I’ve missed you lately and I’m so sorry to hear that it’s been because of something so gloomy! I hope things will start looking up now! *hugs*
~Emily~
Hi Gemma, hope you are ok. I was just checking my stats and I found this, don’t know if you’ve seen it (you’re on page 3!): http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1272564/best_womens_blogs_of_2008_blogs_written.html?cat=7
just came across your blog via some-other-body’s blog – and i never know how much commenting helps but just wanted to send you all the best!
I’m really late in reading this so sorry for not leaving a comment sooner. I’m really sorry to hear that you’ve been going through a good time but good for you for battling through it and for telling us all about it. I wondered where you had gone lately. Thought you were perhaps like me and just going off blogging. Glad you’re not. Take care and hope you have a lovely lovely Christmas. x
Glad you’re back and feeling better. I can so relate to what you say… my brother lost a child in August 14 years ago and only copes every year by escaping (usually to France) and coming back 3 weeks later. August is, though, a lot more convenient for a break than November, so you’ll have to be brave and blame the S A D!