over the rainbow
July 31, 2009
Well folks I am back, my two week break in Spain turned into three and now I am back home it all seems even more of an over the rainbow situation than it normally does. This time it really is a back to reality with a bump. Sitting on the plane Tuesday night I suddenly realised that I have no job to come back to. Not that I had forgotten while I was over there but I did seem to do an awfully good job of just coming to terms with it and not much else.
Spain is more to me than just the place I grew up. To me it's a place where I go to re balance myself, get some perspective and sort my head out. It's my haven, the place I feel safest in the world and where I go to heal myself. Which I know all sounds awfully new agey and full of crap but it really is the only way I can think of describing it.
And boy did I ever need those few weeks. I spent my first three or four days sleeping. Sleeping on the sofa, sleeping in the shade by the pool, sleeping in bed. I was incredibly bad value for money for M those first few days! I think I needed that though. Something I've noticed about myself in the past is that when I am getting depressed I hibernate, I sleep, almost as though the fact of being awake and thinking is just to much effort. It's almost as though my mind puts itself into a self induced coma in order to be able to deal with the horror that is going on in my waking life. I know that there are worse things than losing a job and I know that I've dealt with worse, but the living breathing awareness of being unemployed is something I've never experienced and it is the future of it that fills me with dread more than anything else.
I had intended when I was away to write my cv and start doing some internet job searching, but the reality is that I didn't. I spent three weeks putting the inevitable off and I've spent two days since I've returned doing much the same thing. But yesterday I made a cup of tea, sat down and tried to put down in a coherent manner on paper what it is I can do. And there is nothing like the bald facts in black and white that makes you feel like you haven't achieved anything in your life. I've spent the last eight years working for a small company that have molded me into the ideal person for their work. And I am fast coming to the conclusion that I am, as the old saying goes, a jack of all trades and a master of none. I can do a bit of web design, a bit of graphics work, I can file, answer the phone and I make a mean cup of tea. How on earth you can translate that into a marketable skill is something that is a bit beyond me at the moment. But I have made a start and I am hoping that when I sit back down at the desk today that some more inspiration will have hit and I can manage to string together a personal statement before hitting the job agencies on Monday.
One thing I have realised is that this isn't what I want to do. I don't think anyone wakes up one morning and says, hey I know, I want to be an administrator! I fell into this and I don't think I can handle another who knows how many years just doing something for the sake of money. I'm not saying I want to change the world, and we certainly don't have the money for me to go back to university or extensively retrain. But I need to do something else. I am thinking about looking into teaching assistant jobs and seeing if I can find anything that will remotely pay me anywhere near what I was on at my last job. In the meantime though I need to find something to pay the bills.
I "signed on" for unemployment/job seekers allowance yesterday. A soul destroying moment if ever there was one. I never thought I would be making that phone call. And discovering that the most I am entitled to isn't even enough to cover my monthly household outgoings never mind food or anything else was an utter eye opener. Apparently you have to "work the system" and what amounts to lying, is just something I can't stomach or bring myself to do.
So that folks is where I am at. I just wanted to say thank you so much for your comments and the emails I've received from you all. I know I haven't replied to any of you but every time I tried I just sat and wept over my keyboard. The idea that there are people out there who I have never met who are so incredibly understanding and supportive is more than my poor little heart could take at the time. But please just know that even though I haven't replied doesn't mean they weren't appreciated from the bottom of my heart.
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i have been thinking of you – even if that means thinking ‘gee I wish I was in Spain’. You describe Spain in a way that I think sounds so wonderful. I’ve never really felt a deep longing to go there but I reckon it sounds glorious. YOu are lucky to have such a haven.
I am a similar kind of employee and it scares me!
Oh Gemma.I know this is all sooo overwhelming.You remember how Sarah felt just about 6 months ago.Don’t just put what you’ve been trained to do but what you would like to do for the rest of your life on that sheet of paper.Then go after it.Knock on those doors every week if you have to until they let you in to prove that you are the best.Keep us posted and keep your chin up as though it was the best day of your life,and sooner or later it will be.We’re rooting for you.
Hi Gemma. Really pleased to hear you’ve had a lovely time in Spain with your Mum. When you get a shock like you’ve had you need some healing time. Everything you’ve written about the employment situation I can totally relate to. I’ve been unemployed for nine months now and I have to say I have been burying my head in the sand a little about everything. Now Simon is off work for the hols he has really given me a ‘boot up the bum’ and got me signing up to more employment agencies and I’ve got a job interview tomorrow so fingers crossed. But I know what you mean about feeling that you’ve only got the experience for one type of job. I too was thinking about teaching assistant roles but I think I would need some work experience first and right now I just need to earn some money and fast. I’m not even getting the miserable JSA anymore as it runs out after 6 months and I can’t claim anything else as I have a husband. I know exactly how you feel having to apply for it. It is depressing but you are entitled to it. Sorry, this is very rambling. Basically I just want to say I know exactly how you’re feeling. My one bit of advice is join as many employment agencies as possible. I hadn’t done this. Was just trying to internet search for jobs but having joined two new ones this week it’s already bringing in some possibilities and I have the feeling that if I’d done this sooner I might not have been unemployed so long. Take care and keep positive. Fiona x
Don’t let it get to you Gemma – enjoy this precious interlude as much as you possibly can so that when the door opens to something wonderful job-wise, you don’t look back on it as time wasted.
Something will turn up. Sometimes from the most unexpected of places. Stay positive!
Good luck with the job hunting and enjoy this break if you can. One never knows what is around the corner. x
Fingers and everything else crossed for you. Chin up!
I can’t really add anything to what people have already said. At least you know that there’s a whole host of us rooting for you. Take care.
So glad you had a healing time in Spain Gemma,
Sadly the system is totally screwed against honest hard working people and the pittance they give you is laughable!
Hang in there, stay strong and keep calm!
An idea you might like to try is to ask your friends and family what they think your strengths are and see what field that points you towards.
Hugs
April xx
Oh Gemma – I’m catching up on your posts… If you would like an extra set of eyes to go over your CV, I’d be glad to take a look for you. I had a former professor look at the resume that got me the Boston Ballet job, and she made me realize that I used to sell myself way short. She changed the way that I look at writing those things. I’ve since helped many friends rewrite theirs – so e-mail it to me if you’re stuck! xoxox